The Station of Screams

Jude Law wants to electrocute you.


I had yet another one of my dreams last night.

In my dream, I was once again portrayed by Ewan McGregor, speaking in the effeminate Southern accent he uses in I Love You Philip Morris. I was an artist, charged with the task of creating an exhibition, to be unveiled at the opening night of a trendy new gallery, to be opened deep underneath London, in a refurbished underground station.

My collaborator was Jude Law. Jude appears to have been the dominant partner in this relationship, since during the course of the dream I simply went along with everything Jude suggested. So when Jude suggested we place a crosshatch metal sheet across the floor, and over the train tracks, I happily obliged. When we attached dodgem cars to the floor, in lines, facing one another, I agreed. When the art buffs arrived to see our new exhibition, and sat down in the dodgem cars, and the manacles hidden inside snapped shut over their legs and arms. I jumped up and down and chanted "a sacrifice! a sacrifice!"


"A sacrifice! A sacrifice!"










Jude explained to our "captive audience" (giggling impishly while he did so) that they were going to be sacrificed to our master, the Dark Prince Kluh-Ni, the Beast of a Thousand Chins. He informed them that the dodgem cars were attached to the rails that lay below the floor, effectively turning them into electric chairs for every member of our audience. Then the screaming started.

In a final act of sacrifice, Jude Law and I got into one of the dodgem cars ourselves, and I felt the manacles close around my feet, before Jude threw the switch and we rode the lightning. Blue streaks of electricity rushed around us and I felt the shock rising up my spine, boiling my brain in its own fluids. All around me, snooty art lovers were on fire, convulsing, melting or exploding. It was like someone opened the Ark of the Covenenant in there.

And then the Dark Prince spoke unto his, his servants. Standing before us, resplendent in his blood-obsidian armour, his eyes burning with unholy fire, his jaw so square as to break perpective itself, making it appear as one million smaller jaws, was Kluh-Ni himself.

He said: "I am the lord of abomination, the master of treason, the prince of lies and the shepherd of the faithless.

"I am the glint in every rapist's eye, the rock in the plastic bag of kittens, the leech, the spider and the jackal.

"I am the force behind every death-blow from bone knife to H-bomb, through sword, tire iron and electric drill.

"My breath is holocaust.

"My domain is the heads and hearts of men, but the actions of their hands are what pleases me.

"I accept this vile sacrifice."

And Jude Law and I died, happy in the knowledge that we had pleased our master.


"I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

You have been gifted with an ecard

From: Oliver Hulings
To: David Blackwood

someone told me I was drunk. I can tell you right now that I can still drive home because I'm drunk, not with alcohol, but with love for you. I have given you an eCard to let you realize how I feel. view your message Here (link I wasn't foolish enough to click)

This one just doesn't make any sense. Who would even click this? There are none of the standard demands for cash. I wonder where it would have taken me?

P.S. The other day someone called me with the classic "Hello, I'm calling from technical support, and your computer is full of viruses" call. I told him I was concerned and that I wanted to solve the problem as soon as possible. He told me that all he required were my bank details to authorise and pay for the repair (which was to be done remotely). I told him that in principle I was quite happy to do this, but I was having cash flow problems. I explained that I was a Nigerian prince with a considerable amount of wealth invested in oil, however there was currently a freeze on my account due to an administrative error, and I required a refundable deposit of $10,000 US dollars to release the funds. "You... want money from us?" the man said. "Yes," I told him. There was a moments silence. It was clear we had reached an impasse. He told me that he had to talk to his supervisor and put me on hold. I hung up.

Past Effort Reward

Dear Friend,

I am happy to inform you about my success in getting your winning funds under
the cooperation of a new partner from South Africa. Presently I'm in South
Africa for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Meanwhile, I
did not forget your past efforts and attempts to get your winnings despite that
failed somehow.

I have made a deposit of $500.000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLARS)in
addition to your lottery winnings of $5.5m now amounting to $6,000,000.00(Six
million United States Dollars) I have authorized the finance house to issue out
to you your international certified bank draft cashable at your bank and any
bank of your choice find below there contact information.


LICUTION DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION & FINANCE.
NAME: MR.LARRY BEN
E-MAIL:belary@rogers.com
TEL:+234-807-391-0249



Ask him to send you the total $6,000,000.00 (SIX MILLION US DOLLARS)certified
bank draft Cheque, which I raised in your favour for your compensation for all
the past efforts and attempt in this matter.I really appreciated your efforts at
that time very much.

Secondly,you are hereby advised to stop dealing with some non-officials in the
bank as this is an illegal act and will have to stop if you so wish to receive
your payment immediately.After the board meeting held at our headquarters,we
have resolved in finding a solution to your last uncliamed problem.

So feel free and get in touch with the finance house(Mr.Larry Ben) and give
him your address where to send the draft to you or rather inform him about a-
telegraphic wire transfer if you like. Please do let me know immediately you
receive the Cheque to enable us share the joy after all the sufferness at that
time. In the moment, I'm very busy here because of the investment projects,
which the new partner and me are having at hand,finally,remember that I had
forwarded instruction to MR.LARRY BEN without any delay.

Best regards,
Mr.Jerry Pardi

This one is actually pretty good. "Jerry Pardi" has used constant run-on sentences to cleverly disguise the old "you've won a lottery scam". Of course, most people will realise that since they never purchased a ticket for a South African lottery, they will probably not be fooled. However, there are a few that might be taken in. The email also tells you not to talk to your bank officials, because it might be illegal. I have to say, the amount offered is quite hard to believe. Next time they might want to make it a little lower, say $50,000. I'd be more inclined to believe some random South African investor was going to give me $50K than $6m.

Dream, starring Ewan MacGregor, Cate Blanchett, Stanley Tucci and Will Ferrell

What the hell do you want with us, Will Ferrell's hologram?


I am part of a large group of people living in a strange, arcology-like tower, locked up from the outside world. However, looking out of the window of the tower, we can see the city around us crumbling and turning orange, as if the buildings themselves were rotting away.

All I know about the tower is that it is rehab for some kind of addiction or condition, and that I, until recently, suffered from it. This is the reason that myself and the other inhabitants of the tower are kept separate from other people.

In this dream I am played by Ewan MacGregor, using his fake Southern accent from the movies Big Fish and I Love You Philip Morris. I'm not sure why this is. In one dream I had some time ago I was played by John Leguizamo, which is possibly slightly more accurate. Among my compatriots was a slightly debauched woman, played by Cate Blanchett, who was sexually excited by the thought of society disintegrating. And since society was disintegrating, she spent most of her time in a heightened state of arousal. Our other companion was a German athiest cop played by Stanley Tucci.

The overseer of this facility was our psychiatrist, played by Will Ferrell. He was only present in the form of a hologram. In addition to giving one-on-one counselling sessions to the inhabitants of the tower, he also gave daily pep talks in which he told us nice things, such as we were all progressing well, and our reintegration into society would take place soon.

Stanley Tucci and me, and a couple of others would get together and have drinks. Stanley Tucci kept bemoaning "the Christers" who required religion to help them get over their terrible affliction. He liked me because he thought I shared his beliefs. Together we hung out at the tower's rooftop swimming pool. We watched in severe shock as Cate Blanchett, floating on a lilo in the water and looking out at the decomposing landscape, could contain herself no longer and began gratifying herself with escalating fury.

OK, I started to think. Maybe people here are, in fact, crazy.

The next morning, we gathered for another of Will Ferrell's pep talks. We all gathered in the spotless kitchen, where his hologram appeared and began speaking in tones pleasing to our ears. But this morning I could hear something beind his words. I navigated myself into the corner of the room, and it was like I was peering behind his hologram. There was another projection behind it, and it was telling us we were useless, and dirty, and we were never going to get out. Ferrell was messing with our heads. What sort of freakish experiment were we living in? This moment of chilling realisation was when I woke up.

This dream is exceptional for a few reasons:
1) It is the first entirely Hollwood-cast dream I have ever had.
2) There appears to be some pretty significant backstory in it. In that respect it is similar to my vampire dream a few weeks back. Has given me an idea for a short story.
3) Stanley Tucci's performance was rock-solid.
4) Not many people can say they've seen Cate Blanchett vigorously pleasing herself. In a way, I have come closer than most. Let's face it though, if this dream was a real movie, then she would never have signed up in the first place.
5) Will Ferrell was actually quite frightening as the tyrannical shrink. If only he had that sort of depth in real life.

Help make 2012 No Remakes Year

Starship Troopers, now with added Gungans.

Dear Hollywood,

As much as I love Paul Verhoeven's classic Starship Troopers (1997) I have no idea why you feel it needs to be remade. It's perfectly good as it is, the special effects have dated well and the hilarious social commentary scenes are even more incisive than they were when it was first released. But why do you need to use your vast resources to provide we, the moviegoing public with a movie we've already seen? If I want to see Starship Troopers, I will simply pop in a DVD and watch it. I don't need to shell out $15 to see a movie I've already seen. This has been going on for far too long.

It was bad enough throughout the Naughties, but in the Tweens it seems to have got just so much worse. For instance, the Amazing Spider-man (2012). This is a reboot of a film franchise that was begun in 2002. That's just ten years. Is that how long it takes now for you to sell us the same shit that we already have? I loved the three Sam Raimi Spider-man movies. They were awesome. I can see why you might want to make a sequel to these immensely popular and successful pictures. But why, oh why, do you want to start the franchise again? The special effects look basically the same and the plot is virtually identical. The only difference is there are a bunch of new actors. I just don't get it. I don't get you, Hollywood.

I understand, that in some cases a remake is necessary, like for instance next year's Judge Dredd movie. This necessary to fix the horrors that you visited on us with the iredeemable nonsense that was the Stallone/Schneider Dredd back in the 90s. Even Star Trek - people liked the old characters and wanted to bring them back. It's been the 80s since they were all together. I can see why your people, Hollywood, might consider that a good idea from a creative standpoint.

However, my main issue with remakes is this: There is an enormous wealth of material out there that has never been adapted for the screen. William Gibson's Neuromancer still hasn't been made into a movie, although one has been in development for 800 million years and might well star the godawful Hayden Christensen. Why don't you finally film one of the most influential sci-fi works of the last 30 years? Think about it - It would be our generation's Blade Runner. That means you need to take it out of the hands of a music video director and give it to someone who isn't a complete hack. Also, what about that Preacher movie that we've been hearing might happen for god knows how long? Although I think it would be better making an HBO drama out of it, it could quite easily be condensed into a bankable trilogy, provided you don't fuck it up, Hollywood, like you did Constantine. I've always personally thought that Bruce Sterling's Schismatrix would make an excellent movie, although the title would probably have to be changed, lest idiots shamble in expecting yet another Matrix sequel. How about the Difference Engine? That would be an outstanding film? How about a good alternative history film, perhaps adapting a book by Harry Turtledove?

There is, of course, another idea. You could just come up with something original. If you gave me, or most of the other writers with whom I associate the sort of budget you have, we could create something amazing. Of course, you won't, will you, you'll keep selling us the same crap over and over.

Yours in hope

A very bored moviegoer

Dream

Totally inequipped to deal with vampires.

Last night I dreamed that I was a suspended sheriff's deputy in a small town in the Unites States. Kaki, who was still my wife in the dream worked in publishing. I found out that she had been receiving mail from a serial killer in the hope of turning it into an exclusive book and making enough money for us to leave the one-horse small town once and for all. I persuaded her that we had to go to the shitkicking sheriff, and share all our information with him. Unfortunately, it was too late. We'd attracted the attention of the serial killer, and he'd come to town to make our acquaintance. Also, turns out he's a vampire.

People started going crazy and eating one another, but I still didn't quite realise what was going on. Not until the sheriff started screaming and driving his squad car around town, sirens on. I tried to wave him off the road, but he just powered towards me. I dodged him and landed in a pile of snow, and the squadcar plunged into a frozen lake. I dived in to try and save the sheriff, but when I got him out, I looked into his face and saw that he had changed. Suddenly he leapt up and started tearing at my flesh. A bunch of other townspeople joined in and started to devour me. So, I died. Cherry-coloured blood started flowing everywhere.

Apparently, when you die in one of my dreams, you float above your body and look down, while god tells you which of the beliefs that you had in life were misheld. The only thing I can remember god telling me was "William Blake is a liar". And then I woke up.

Several disturbing things about this dream:
1) I haven't had an "everybody is turning into vampires except you" dream since I was around 11 and snuck down to watch Salem's Lot. I attribute this to the fact I recently read Salem's Lot, and also Enter, Night by Michael Rowe, which is in many ways similar.
2) In this dream, the deaths of hundreds of innocent civilians is basically my wife's fault.
3) My dream is trope central. From the shitkicker sheriff, the less experienced deputy, the one literary person in town, is basically ripped off from every small-town isolation horror that has ever existed. I bet the snow was playing havoc with cellphone reception in my dream, too. I can't believe my subconscious is so unoriginal. Must do better.

The Nigerian Federal Ministry of Agriculture

Dear Sir,

The Federal Ministry of Agriculture, Nigeria intends to buy 2000 (Two- Thousand) units of Tractors.With my very good and strong contacts in the ministry, I can introduce your company to the procurement committee of the ministry for the supply. Payment is by 100% Telegraphic Transfer in advance before delivery upon contract sign. Delivery period is 9 months, where partial delivery will be allowed Therefore if you are interested and agree to pay me an agreed commission after you received your contract payment, contact me as soon as possible for further details to recommend you to the Contract Awarding Committee of the ministry to handle the supply.DIRECT RESPONSE FROM THE CEO,OWNER OR PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY WILL BE TREATED AS SERIOUS

Sincerely,
Danladi Mustapha
Salimu Consults
No 67 Danubi Cresent
Maitama, Abuja
Nigeria

Now the problem with this scam is that unless the recipient owns a company that supplies tractors, they will not respond. Does this guy think that everyone in the west owns a tractor company? Was he trying to send the email to John Deere and it got sidetracked? We will never know. To top this off, there are no bold claims or references to Jesus in this one. Must try harder.

Hopelessly flawed: 0/5