Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Reviews from the B-Movie Death Dungeon

CyberTracker: Absolutely chock-full of explodium

The following was completed with me at least slightly drunk and Blair “Dream Eater” MacDougall under the influence of Orange Concoction.

Project Vampire (1993) – Blair says 2/5, Dave says 1/5
A vampire scientist attempts to cure vampires' aversion to sunlight. Only some goober with the unlikely moniker of 'Victor Hunter' can stop him, with the help of the most stereotypical asian ever and some woman. Not even a reasonably pleasing pair of breasts can salvage this. Note the looped, speeded up car chase footage. Very Mitchellesque.
Blair: "So bad it gave me diabetes."
Dave: "Worst fighting in any film, ever. It makes Shatner look like Bruce Lee."

CyberTracker (1994) – Blair says 5/5, Dave says 5/5
Eric Philips (Don 'The Dragon' Wilson) is a secret service agent who has no friends, gets drunk with his computer and takes a lot of unnecessary showers. He is hired to protect a senator who advocates the use of large, bald cyborgs to apprehend criminals. Unfortunately, he turns out to be a lunatic and when Philips shops him for murder, he ends up with the CyberTrackers on his tail, as well as a weak, Australian version of Steven Seagal. There is literally nothing in this film that doesn't explode.
Dave: "A masterpiece. Don The Dragon’s facial expressions tell all."
Blair: "Cybertracker is a vision of the future where everything spontaneously blows up. That’s a future I can get behind."

Break for munchy boxes courtesy of our sponsor, Seven Spices.

The cover of the DVD case for Plankton. It's important to note that this girl is not in the film.

Octopus (2000) – Blair says 4/5, Dave says 4/5
Radiation creates a giant monster Octopus. It attacks a submarine carrying a rookie FBI agent and a deadly terrorist. Private Frost from Aliens is on board. CGI hell breaks loose. Octopus gets hold of an ocean liner full of passengers and it's Shark Attack III all over again.
Blair: "Having Han Solo playing the character of Captain Shaw was an astute piece of casting. I have a feeling that no-one involved in this film has any idea what an octopus actually is."
Dave: "Also, did you notice that everyone involved in the making of this film had an ‘ov’ at the end of their name? The look-alikes of Keanu Reeves, Rutger Hauer, Viggo Mortensen and Amanda Seyfried all did a commendable job, but Ricco Ross deserves an Oscar."

The Klansman – Blair says 2/5, Dave says 2/5
This was a mistake. From a trailer I saw, I believed it to be an action movie in which Richard Burton takes on the Ku Klux Klan. Actually it's a Faulkneresque psychodrama. There is a little bit of laughable drunken karate from Burton, and OJ Simpson does kill off loads of racists, but I can't say I enjoyed it. Apparently all people do in the south is rape one another and set crosses on fire. It makes me not ever want to go there. Weirdly, the town's Klan-supporting mayor is played by David Huddleston of Santa Claus: The Movie fame.
Blair: "The Klansman is a film. The moral of that film is 'Don’t fuck with the Juice'."
Dave: "It’s no Where Eagles Dare. Burton is still a powerful force, despite his pitiful attempts at a southern accent."

Creatures from the Abyss AKA Plankton (1994)
I have lost the sheet for this one,and Blair had to get the bus halfway through. So this review is incomplete. I for one give it 5/5 for the scene in which a mutant fish has sex with a woman, and then its eyeball falls out and goes down her throat. The plot concerns five teenagers who get washed out to sea in a dingy and climb aboard a deserted yacht, only to find that they have been infected with an evil fish-sex disease which starts turning them into monsters. Crudely dubbed from the original Italian.
Blair: (Mutters something about dubbing before leaving)
Dave: Fishsploitation at its finest. Worth watching for the bizarre moment at the end when the last living teen arrives on the bridge of the yacht and sees his fish-infected former best friend unlocking a glowing panel on the wall before yelling: "OH NO, WHO OPENED THE RADIOACTIVE CORE!" whereupon the yacht explodes. At no point is it explained why the yacht is nuclear.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011



Here I am. You see, I am the media. I have a twitter now. Seek me out, cadres! If I express this incorrectly remember it is because I am basically a bumpkin:

I aim to beat Ashton Kutcher by at least next week. I already have Tyra Banks, Peewee Herman, The Onion, John Cusack and Charlie Sheen, not to mention at least three members of obscure 90s metal act Bugmonkey!. It's like collecting these old Panini sticker albums except, y'know, with people. Which is a lot more sinister than it sounds when you think about it. I already have one follower. I have no idea who the hell she is.

Two more weeks in Scotland from today. People from the old country, get your fill now. Those of you in the new world, get ready. The British are coming!