Friday, May 26, 2006

Sexualise My Beach

Avast! I have returned from Okinawa mostly unscathed. Though my travels were fraught with danger, the most notable threats being my undersea battles with seasnakes and box jellyfish and my life-and-death struggle with the fearsome Man-pig, I prevailed and discovered many new and exciting things about my surrounding, and - since everything is a metaphor and all outward journeys are also inward ones - about myself. For a start the islands of Okinawa may well be the most hospitable parts of Japan, if it weren't for the searing heat. The beaches are long and sandy, and the waters are clear blue and filled with an abundance of sealife (which no doubt pleases the sakana-crazy Japanese). You can really see why the Americans wanted to keep a hold of it for so long, but not why they've put in such a concentrated effort to turn it into Hawaii. The Okinawans are the most laid-back of Japan's people, and have the same lacadaisical attitude to subjugation by a foreign power as the French. The Kingdom of Ryuuku was
originally a fiefdom of China but was nabbed by the Japanese without much effort in the 18th century. The Okinawans didn't really care, until in 1945 a large quantity of them died when the Americans landed, and liked it so much they stayed. The most confusing thing about the relationship between Okinawa and Japan is the traditional foodstuffs used - even though Okinawa is an island they eat pork the whole time, rather than fish, the staple of mainland Japan. Why even 500 miles inland is there still fish? I get fish for every meal. Where does this fish come from? The Okinawans have it all figured out.

Another pleasant revelation stems from having spent almost four days in the company of my good lady wife and not tried to kill her. I can't remember the last time I spent that amount of time with any woman - family and close friends included - and not had a femicidal urge. It must be love.

EDIT: In response to comments and criticisms from some of the most important women in my life in regards to the above statement, let me express my apologies for any misunderstanding - I was joking! I don't really want to kill you. I love my pod-sisters!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Man You Call "Boss"

Friends, Romans, countrymen. On this most auspicious of Wednesdays I make the leap from child-blog to adult-blog and dispense with myspace once and for all. I am fed up of emo kids with bad hair and greasy skins asking me to be their friend, computer-meddling popups telling me computer is at risk and the conspicuous Tom. Who is Tom? No friend of mine.

Anyway, my previous misadventures are all still available at:

All future mild bigotry, tall tales and sick jokes shall be found here.

"The Boss"