Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Past Effort Reward

Dear Friend,

I am happy to inform you about my success in getting your winning funds under
the cooperation of a new partner from South Africa. Presently I'm in South
Africa for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Meanwhile, I
did not forget your past efforts and attempts to get your winnings despite that
failed somehow.

I have made a deposit of $500.000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLARS)in
addition to your lottery winnings of $5.5m now amounting to $6,000,000.00(Six
million United States Dollars) I have authorized the finance house to issue out
to you your international certified bank draft cashable at your bank and any
bank of your choice find below there contact information.


Ask him to send you the total $6,000,000.00 (SIX MILLION US DOLLARS)certified
bank draft Cheque, which I raised in your favour for your compensation for all
the past efforts and attempt in this matter.I really appreciated your efforts at
that time very much.

Secondly,you are hereby advised to stop dealing with some non-officials in the
bank as this is an illegal act and will have to stop if you so wish to receive
your payment immediately.After the board meeting held at our headquarters,we
have resolved in finding a solution to your last uncliamed problem.

So feel free and get in touch with the finance house(Mr.Larry Ben) and give
him your address where to send the draft to you or rather inform him about a-
telegraphic wire transfer if you like. Please do let me know immediately you
receive the Cheque to enable us share the joy after all the sufferness at that
time. In the moment, I'm very busy here because of the investment projects,
which the new partner and me are having at hand,finally,remember that I had
forwarded instruction to MR.LARRY BEN without any delay.

Best regards,
Mr.Jerry Pardi

This one is actually pretty good. "Jerry Pardi" has used constant run-on sentences to cleverly disguise the old "you've won a lottery scam". Of course, most people will realise that since they never purchased a ticket for a South African lottery, they will probably not be fooled. However, there are a few that might be taken in. The email also tells you not to talk to your bank officials, because it might be illegal. I have to say, the amount offered is quite hard to believe. Next time they might want to make it a little lower, say $50,000. I'd be more inclined to believe some random South African investor was going to give me $50K than $6m.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Dream, starring Ewan MacGregor, Cate Blanchett, Stanley Tucci and Will Ferrell

What the hell do you want with us, Will Ferrell's hologram?

I am part of a large group of people living in a strange, arcology-like tower, locked up from the outside world. However, looking out of the window of the tower, we can see the city around us crumbling and turning orange, as if the buildings themselves were rotting away.

All I know about the tower is that it is rehab for some kind of addiction or condition, and that I, until recently, suffered from it. This is the reason that myself and the other inhabitants of the tower are kept separate from other people.

In this dream I am played by Ewan MacGregor, using his fake Southern accent from the movies Big Fish and I Love You Philip Morris. I'm not sure why this is. In one dream I had some time ago I was played by John Leguizamo, which is possibly slightly more accurate. Among my compatriots was a slightly debauched woman, played by Cate Blanchett, who was sexually excited by the thought of society disintegrating. And since society was disintegrating, she spent most of her time in a heightened state of arousal. Our other companion was a German athiest cop played by Stanley Tucci.

The overseer of this facility was our psychiatrist, played by Will Ferrell. He was only present in the form of a hologram. In addition to giving one-on-one counselling sessions to the inhabitants of the tower, he also gave daily pep talks in which he told us nice things, such as we were all progressing well, and our reintegration into society would take place soon.

Stanley Tucci and me, and a couple of others would get together and have drinks. Stanley Tucci kept bemoaning "the Christers" who required religion to help them get over their terrible affliction. He liked me because he thought I shared his beliefs. Together we hung out at the tower's rooftop swimming pool. We watched in severe shock as Cate Blanchett, floating on a lilo in the water and looking out at the decomposing landscape, could contain herself no longer and began gratifying herself with escalating fury.

OK, I started to think. Maybe people here are, in fact, crazy.

The next morning, we gathered for another of Will Ferrell's pep talks. We all gathered in the spotless kitchen, where his hologram appeared and began speaking in tones pleasing to our ears. But this morning I could hear something beind his words. I navigated myself into the corner of the room, and it was like I was peering behind his hologram. There was another projection behind it, and it was telling us we were useless, and dirty, and we were never going to get out. Ferrell was messing with our heads. What sort of freakish experiment were we living in? This moment of chilling realisation was when I woke up.

This dream is exceptional for a few reasons:
1) It is the first entirely Hollwood-cast dream I have ever had.
2) There appears to be some pretty significant backstory in it. In that respect it is similar to my vampire dream a few weeks back. Has given me an idea for a short story.
3) Stanley Tucci's performance was rock-solid.
4) Not many people can say they've seen Cate Blanchett vigorously pleasing herself. In a way, I have come closer than most. Let's face it though, if this dream was a real movie, then she would never have signed up in the first place.
5) Will Ferrell was actually quite frightening as the tyrannical shrink. If only he had that sort of depth in real life.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Help make 2012 No Remakes Year

Starship Troopers, now with added Gungans.

Dear Hollywood,

As much as I love Paul Verhoeven's classic Starship Troopers (1997) I have no idea why you feel it needs to be remade. It's perfectly good as it is, the special effects have dated well and the hilarious social commentary scenes are even more incisive than they were when it was first released. But why do you need to use your vast resources to provide we, the moviegoing public with a movie we've already seen? If I want to see Starship Troopers, I will simply pop in a DVD and watch it. I don't need to shell out $15 to see a movie I've already seen. This has been going on for far too long.

It was bad enough throughout the Naughties, but in the Tweens it seems to have got just so much worse. For instance, the Amazing Spider-man (2012). This is a reboot of a film franchise that was begun in 2002. That's just ten years. Is that how long it takes now for you to sell us the same shit that we already have? I loved the three Sam Raimi Spider-man movies. They were awesome. I can see why you might want to make a sequel to these immensely popular and successful pictures. But why, oh why, do you want to start the franchise again? The special effects look basically the same and the plot is virtually identical. The only difference is there are a bunch of new actors. I just don't get it. I don't get you, Hollywood.

I understand, that in some cases a remake is necessary, like for instance next year's Judge Dredd movie. This necessary to fix the horrors that you visited on us with the iredeemable nonsense that was the Stallone/Schneider Dredd back in the 90s. Even Star Trek - people liked the old characters and wanted to bring them back. It's been the 80s since they were all together. I can see why your people, Hollywood, might consider that a good idea from a creative standpoint.

However, my main issue with remakes is this: There is an enormous wealth of material out there that has never been adapted for the screen. William Gibson's Neuromancer still hasn't been made into a movie, although one has been in development for 800 million years and might well star the godawful Hayden Christensen. Why don't you finally film one of the most influential sci-fi works of the last 30 years? Think about it - It would be our generation's Blade Runner. That means you need to take it out of the hands of a music video director and give it to someone who isn't a complete hack. Also, what about that Preacher movie that we've been hearing might happen for god knows how long? Although I think it would be better making an HBO drama out of it, it could quite easily be condensed into a bankable trilogy, provided you don't fuck it up, Hollywood, like you did Constantine. I've always personally thought that Bruce Sterling's Schismatrix would make an excellent movie, although the title would probably have to be changed, lest idiots shamble in expecting yet another Matrix sequel. How about the Difference Engine? That would be an outstanding film? How about a good alternative history film, perhaps adapting a book by Harry Turtledove?

There is, of course, another idea. You could just come up with something original. If you gave me, or most of the other writers with whom I associate the sort of budget you have, we could create something amazing. Of course, you won't, will you, you'll keep selling us the same crap over and over.

Yours in hope

A very bored moviegoer