Monday, February 22, 2016


 10. Pachycephalosaurus
Pachycephalosaurus, meaning “thick-headed lizard”, roamed between 66 and 72 million years ago, and is known for its distinctive bony cranium, which is only marginally painful when pressing into the arch of your foot as you stagger zombie-like into your child’s room to find out why they aren’t asleep yet.   

9. Tyrannosaurus Rex
A gigantic carnivore weighing up to 6.8 metric tonnes, the Tyrannosaurus Rex (“Tyrant lizard”) is still an absolute pleasure to stand on compared to some of the others on this list. Unless you somehow manage to stand on its erect tail, in which case it can pierce flesh like a needle, if that needle was made of possibly toxic material in a Chinese toy factory.

8. Diplodocus
The most famous of the sauropod family, Diplodocus lived in what is now North America at the end of the Jurassic period, and is one of the most common obstacles encountered when answering your child’s piteous nocturnal pleas. Diplodocus could grow up to 25 metres long, almost as if it was deliberately reaching out to trip you down a flight of stairs with its whip-like tail.

 7. Revvit
A fictional creature from the hit Netflix show Dinotrux, Revvit combines the pain of standing on a prehistoric lizard with the pain of standing on a box of drill bits.

6. Dimetrodon
Though technically a non-mammalian synapsid rather than a dinosaur, Dimetrodon merits mention on this list because of the large sail on its back, which was likely used to regulate the creature’s body temperature and feels like stepping on a saw blade when stumbled upon during nighttime bathroom trips.

5. Pteranadon
Also not a dinosaur. Also, I don’t care because when that cranial crest is caught between your toes as you’re reaching for the Vicks and you’re sobbing softly under your breath so as not to wake your sick child, you won’t see the distinction either. Fie upon you, Pteranadon!

4. Triceratops
“Three-horned face”. It seems like a no-brainer that this 9 metre long herbivore would make this list. Those same fierce horns that did battle with Tyrannosaurus Rex are now doing battle with your ingrown toenail. And they’re winning, by God, they are winning.

 3. Styracosaurus
Just look at these deformed bastards. Styracosaurus literally means “spiked lizard”. No shit, Sherlock. It looks like someone took a Triceratops and instructed Rob Liefield to give it an "xtreme" makeover. Holy shit. Just holy shit. Its head is literally exploding with spikes. The only upside to the Styracosaurus is that it is one of the less common dinosaur toys. I’m pretty sure my son has never heard of it, and I see no reason to tell him. Consequently, Styracosaurus never quite achieves the threat level of the last two malefactors on our list.

2. Ankylosaurus
Ankylosaurus is “Fused lizard” in Latin but really, it might as well be “weaponised hell-turtle footkiller”. It looks like a pincushion with legs and a bad attitude. Those bone knobs on the shell are known as osteoderms, but I like to call them “agony-lumps”. Ankylosaurus is one of those dinosaurs that might “accidentally” find its way into the garbage after one too many encounters with unsuspecting feet, if only that didn’t mark you out as a singularly awful human being. Go on, think about throwing it out. Think of your child’s tearful face when he or she can’t find their beloved ankylosaurus, you irredeemable shit.

Why do you hate me, Jesus? Why do you hate my feet?

1. Stegosaurus
The humble Stegosaurus may have had a comically small brain, but whatever malignant God cursed it to live pushed the ‘spikiness’ dial up to 11 to compensate. Stegosaurus seems to have been designed to be so deliberately, maliciously painful to stand on, it either proves or disproves the theory of evolution – I can’t decide which. It is appallingly sharp no matter which way you stand on it. Its set of four tail spikes (known as a “thagomizer”) has the capacity to pierce the skin of even the most calloused of feet. Its 17 to 22 defensive plates form a ridge across its back the merest tickle of which is akin to getting your foot stuck in a lathe. My son could not create a more painful trap for me if he dug a punji pit in the centre of his bedroom and baited it with beer and pork crackling. 

Purely from a design perspective, Stegosaurus is the clear winner here when it comes to permanently damaging the feet of careless parents when they chance to step out of the designated "clean" area of any child's bedroom. It looks like it was designed by the Spanish Inquisition to torture heretics. I’m certain there is a layer of hell in which sinners are forced to walk on Stegosauruses for all time. It is the perfect organism for inspiring a toy with which to mangle a man’s foot. I almost admire it.