10. Pachycephalosaurus
Pachycephalosaurus, meaning “thick-headed lizard”, roamed
between 66 and 72 million years ago, and is known for its distinctive bony
cranium, which is only marginally painful when pressing into the arch of your
foot as you stagger zombie-like into your child’s room to find out why they
aren’t asleep yet.
9. Tyrannosaurus Rex
A gigantic carnivore weighing up to 6.8 metric tonnes, the
Tyrannosaurus Rex (“Tyrant lizard”) is still an absolute pleasure to stand on
compared to some of the others on this list. Unless you somehow manage to stand
on its erect tail, in which case it can pierce flesh like a needle, if that
needle was made of possibly toxic material in a Chinese toy factory.
8. Diplodocus
The most famous of the sauropod family, Diplodocus lived in
what is now North America at the end of the Jurassic period, and is one of the
most common obstacles encountered when answering your child’s piteous nocturnal
pleas. Diplodocus could grow up to 25 metres long, almost as if it was
deliberately reaching out to trip you down a flight of stairs with its
whip-like tail.
7. Revvit
A fictional creature from the hit Netflix show Dinotrux,
Revvit combines the pain of standing on a prehistoric lizard with the pain of
standing on a box of drill bits.
6. Dimetrodon
Though technically a non-mammalian synapsid rather than a dinosaur, Dimetrodon
merits mention on this list because of the large sail on its back, which was
likely used to regulate the creature’s body temperature and feels like stepping
on a saw blade when stumbled upon during nighttime bathroom trips.
5. Pteranadon
Also not a dinosaur. Also, I don’t care because when that
cranial crest is caught between your toes as you’re reaching for the Vicks and
you’re sobbing softly under your breath so as not to wake your sick child, you
won’t see the distinction either. Fie upon you, Pteranadon!
4. Triceratops
“Three-horned face”. It seems like a no-brainer that this 9
metre long herbivore would make this list. Those same fierce horns that did
battle with Tyrannosaurus Rex are now doing battle with your ingrown toenail.
And they’re winning, by God, they are winning.
3. Styracosaurus
Just look at these deformed bastards. Styracosaurus
literally means “spiked lizard”. No shit, Sherlock. It looks like someone took
a Triceratops and instructed Rob Liefield to give it an "xtreme" makeover. Holy
shit. Just holy shit. Its head is literally exploding with spikes. The only
upside to the Styracosaurus is that it is one of the less common dinosaur toys.
I’m pretty sure my son has never heard of it, and I see no reason to tell him.
Consequently, Styracosaurus never quite achieves the threat level of the last
two malefactors on our list.
2. Ankylosaurus
Ankylosaurus is “Fused lizard” in Latin but really, it might
as well be “weaponised hell-turtle footkiller”. It looks like a pincushion with
legs and a bad attitude. Those bone knobs on the shell are known as osteoderms,
but I like to call them “agony-lumps”. Ankylosaurus is one of those dinosaurs
that might “accidentally” find its way into the garbage after one too many
encounters with unsuspecting feet, if only that didn’t mark you out as a
singularly awful human being. Go on, think about throwing it out. Think of your
child’s tearful face when he or she can’t find their beloved ankylosaurus, you
irredeemable shit.
Why do you hate me, Jesus? Why do you hate my feet?
Why do you hate me, Jesus? Why do you hate my feet?
1. Stegosaurus
The humble Stegosaurus may have had a comically small brain,
but whatever malignant God cursed it to live pushed the ‘spikiness’ dial up to
11 to compensate. Stegosaurus seems to have been designed to be so
deliberately, maliciously painful to stand on, it either proves or disproves
the theory of evolution – I can’t decide which. It is appallingly sharp no
matter which way you stand on it. Its set of four tail spikes (known as a “thagomizer”)
has the capacity to pierce the skin of even the most calloused of feet. Its 17 to
22 defensive plates form a ridge across its back the merest tickle of which is
akin to getting your foot stuck in a lathe. My son could not create a more
painful trap for me if he dug a punji pit in the centre of his bedroom and
baited it with beer and pork crackling.
Purely from a design perspective, Stegosaurus is the clear winner here when it comes to permanently damaging the feet of careless parents when they chance to step out of the designated "clean" area of any child's bedroom. It looks like it was designed by the Spanish
Inquisition to torture heretics. I’m certain there is a layer of hell in which sinners are
forced to walk on Stegosauruses for all time. It is the perfect organism for inspiring a toy with which to
mangle a man’s foot. I almost admire it.
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