Because you hate news

As Chuck D once told you what time it was, I will tell you what the news is:

Here

TODAY'S HEADLINES:

Galliano blames Jewish alcohol for anti-Semitic outburst

E-mail to Inside Edition

Hi there,
Just thought you might like to know that in the 'foreign language syndrome' story on tonight's show, you made a glaring error when you showed your map of the United Kingdom or 'Ireland' and 'England' as you described it. The island of Ireland is divided into the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland, which is part of the United Kingdom. Mainland Britain is divided into Scotland in the north and England in the south, with Wales in the west. Scotland and Wales are not part of England, but are part of the United Kingdom. Please consult an atlas next time you decide to show a map. With television like this it's easy to see why Americans have such a reputation for knowing absolutely nothing about the rest of the world.
Regards
David Blackwood.

Mr Peru

Mr Peru plays chess in the street on a giant, homemade board. He is the only chess player I have ever seen with a gimmick. Mr Peru's gimmick is that he is an Inca, which he illustrates thusly: he wears a fedora with 'Inca' written on it, and adorns his neck with gold. I wonder if there are other chess players wandering around with similar gimmicks.

Mr Peru's story is written out in slightly imperfect English on the ground beside him. It says "Chess genius, Mr Peru beated his father when he was four years old." and then in larger writing, it inexplicably says "Mr Peru, Chess Genius, Actor, Dancer, 8-year-old boy." Mr Peru may have been an 8-year-old prodigy, but he's pushing 60 now. When I went by he wasn't playing chess, he was attempting with some difficulty to change the batteries on his CD player. I wonder what music he listens to when he plays? I shall never know, unless I chance to see him again.

I would quite like to see him face off in a street chess match against a voodoo chess witch doctor, or perhaps a man claiming to be an android.

Just remember the old Italian proverb: After the game the king and the pawn go back in the same box.