Jude Law wants to electrocute you.
I had yet another one of my dreams last night.
In my dream, I was once again portrayed by Ewan McGregor, speaking in the effeminate Southern accent he uses in I Love You Philip Morris. I was an artist, charged with the task of creating an exhibition, to be unveiled at the opening night of a trendy new gallery, to be opened deep underneath London, in a refurbished underground station.
My collaborator was Jude Law. Jude appears to have been the dominant partner in this relationship, since during the course of the dream I simply went along with everything Jude suggested. So when Jude suggested we place a crosshatch metal sheet across the floor, and over the train tracks, I happily obliged. When we attached dodgem cars to the floor, in lines, facing one another, I agreed. When the art buffs arrived to see our new exhibition, and sat down in the dodgem cars, and the manacles hidden inside snapped shut over their legs and arms. I jumped up and down and chanted "a sacrifice! a sacrifice!"
"A sacrifice! A sacrifice!"
Jude explained to our "captive audience" (giggling impishly while he did so) that they were going to be sacrificed to our master, the Dark Prince Kluh-Ni, the Beast of a Thousand Chins. He informed them that the dodgem cars were attached to the rails that lay below the floor, effectively turning them into electric chairs for every member of our audience. Then the screaming started.
In a final act of sacrifice, Jude Law and I got into one of the dodgem cars ourselves, and I felt the manacles close around my feet, before Jude threw the switch and we rode the lightning. Blue streaks of electricity rushed around us and I felt the shock rising up my spine, boiling my brain in its own fluids. All around me, snooty art lovers were on fire, convulsing, melting or exploding. It was like someone opened the Ark of the Covenenant in there.
And then the Dark Prince spoke unto his, his servants. Standing before us, resplendent in his blood-obsidian armour, his eyes burning with unholy fire, his jaw so square as to break perpective itself, making it appear as one million smaller jaws, was Kluh-Ni himself.
He said: "I am the lord of abomination, the master of treason, the prince of lies and the shepherd of the faithless.
"I am the glint in every rapist's eye, the rock in the plastic bag of kittens, the leech, the spider and the jackal.
"I am the force behind every death-blow from bone knife to H-bomb, through sword, tire iron and electric drill.
"My breath is holocaust.
"My domain is the heads and hearts of men, but the actions of their hands are what pleases me.
"I accept this vile sacrifice."
And Jude Law and I died, happy in the knowledge that we had pleased our master.
"I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
