Monday, April 09, 2012

How to be a manly man

What would Vladimir Putin do?

The other day I was lifting weights and listing to an audiobook of Sun Tzu's The Art of War when I suddenly thought to myself "My god, Blackwood, you truly are a ridiculously manly man." Of course, I feel saddened everyday by the pervasive images of un-manliness that the media drip-feeds our youth of today. Too many of them are growing up to be like Justin Beiber and Twilight. Soon the West will be too puny to put up much of a fight, and the East shall overcome us. So if you don't want to spend the rest of your life scraping before your Chinese Communist masters, please read my short guide to improving your manliness.

1. Real men work with their hands

You work in an office? That's probably why the Men of the Street are able to mug you so easily. Office workers and professionals are mugged frequently, but when was the last time you heard of a lumberjack being mugged? Or a Navy SEAL? Or a pirate? Give up your shirt-and-tie job, and go mine some coal, then when the demander turns up, dagger in hand, you can take it from him, wave it in his eye and telling him you want his wallet.

2. Real men wear camoflage

What's the most manly form of dress a man can aspire to own? Full camoflage battle dress. It doesn't matter whether it's jungle, desert or even urban print. It's important for people around you to know that you are physically and mentally prepared for battle at any time, and the full camo suit is an excellent way to remind friends and foes that you are a tightly coiled spring, ready to appear shirtless from the bushes with a bow and arrow and start fucking shit up at a moment's notice.

3. Real men don't go elves

An orc or a dwarf is a far better choice. But by far the better choice for someone who aspires to be a real man is to go a man. Duh. Look at Legolas for God's sake. Just look at him. How much less manly than Aragorn is he?

4. Real men kill what they eat

This is a no brainer. If even Zuckerberg can do it, so should you. Go forth and kill cows.

5. Real men do Krav Maga

If even the strange female Michael Jackson that is J Lo can learn Krav Maga, you, being in possession of two testicles and a predator's mind, have no excuse. Krav Maga is the best martial art in the world, and it isn't even a martial art. It teaches you to be mean, chew ears and gouge eyes. This is how a man should fight.

6. Real men drive manly vehicles

Leave your Kia at home, please. What you want is a Silverado with so much chrome that it blinds other motorists. Brad Pitt is a true man. Do you know what he drives? A T-54 tank. Bonus points if you are able to park on top of other vehicles.

7. Real men are exceptionally hairy

No, I don't manscape. Deal. And my shoulders look like a Greek werewolf's. This just further demonstrates my manliness. With a few exceptions, the smoother a man's surfaces are, the more female-like he is. Pity the hairless man, for his strength and honour have been stolen.

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