The ByzanPict Empire Part 8: Revenge of the Pope

So there’s a question that gets asked in CK2 circles that goes a little like this: “what’s the worst you’ve ever fucked up raising a kid?” The possibilities for error are endless – pick the wrong educator or land them too early and you’ve got a low-stat indolent wastrel on your hands. In the case of Aldrich, Amalrich’s first son with Marie of Carthage, I really screwed the pooch. He was originally being tutored by his mother at her court in Africa, but I was concerned about his Christian education and wanted him as my ward to make sure he picked up Islam. However, I must have pressed the wrong button or forgot to set a focus or something, because when he came of age he had apparently been studying theology completely unguided instead of learning from me. In fact, the only good thing I did for him was to encourage him to be ambitious, which led to him hate me. It became obvious from this point that he wasn’t going to be the heir I needed, and I would have to look elsewhere.

What about his brothers, the twins Hartwig and Michael? I never did rescue them from Marie’s court, so they remain Christian. To top it off, Hartwig – fucking Hartwig! – is the heir to the Knights Hospitaller. One of my own sons joining a Christian holy order, without asking my permission? Faugh! I mean, he lives at Krak Des Chevaliers which is undeniably badass, but surely there will be consequences to this decision.

Hartwig's hoose

Luckily, Adila, Amalrich’s Kuwaiti genius secondary wife, produces a son, Gerlach, for me to groom to succeed him.

To celebrate, I use yet another rebellion against the Mazdaki rulers of Francia as a distraction while I send an expedition into the Levant to capture the duchy of Jerusalem for Islam. It goes off without a hitch and I’m able to distribute the lands to faithful Kharijite vassals.

Plotting is minimal, at the moment. I still have a few Catholic vassals, the chief of which is Lubb of Andalusia, who succeeded Iestan. This hideous brute was badly maimed in battle trying to fruitlessly push the claim on the Empire of Francia inherited from Enudaig. Lubb’s son is a Kharijite, so I have him assassinated, and young Yahya takes over.

With my levies drifting into 190,000 territory for the first time ever, Amalrich feels free to begin to ponder the invasion of Persia, which is roughly half of the Abbasids remaining territory. Or perhaps Egypt? The possibilities of the Invasion CB are endless, provided you have the piety. And Amalrich has piety to spare. However, these plans are sidelined when Amalrich receives a letter from the Pope.

 Yeah, the Pope. Remember that guy? He used to be kind of a big deal.

Catholicism was the dominant religion in Europe for much of the game, even converting the Orthodox Byzantines in the 11^th century. However the dreadful decline of the religion’s moral authority can be traced back to Rome’s disastrous loss to the Mongol Empire, and its subsequent recovery for Christendom by the Empire of Pictland. If you’ll recall, Uuen “The Black” didn’t really see the upside to handing Rome back to the Pope, especially as he was a vassal of the Franks. Amalrich’s conversion to the Kharijite faith was only the final nail in the coffin.

With Emperor Arnaud’s conversion to Mazdak, the Pope was once again forced to flee from persecution, this time essentially a renegade in a largely non-Christian Europe. He fled back to Rome, where he dwelled in secret, away from the agents of the Byzantines. At least this is what I’m telling myself to explain why I just can’t arrest the fucker.

So Pope Urbanus V (called “the Good” even though he is a Wicked Priest) called a crusade for Italy. Since my experience of having jihads called upon me were of fighting frenetic, highly mobile defensive wars with little time for sieging, I immediately raised all of my troops – and nothing happened. I sat waiting for the Pope’s inevitable doomstack to show up. But it didn’t. The only people to join the crusade were the High Chief of Ugra – two provinces up in Russia somewhere – and the Holy Orders. I stepped down a significant number of my troops, send a few up to siege Ugra, cursing the name of attrition as I did so, and with the rest storm the Holy Orders holdings – including Gerlach’s home in Krak Des Chevaliers. Yes, I am fighting against my own son in this war.

Frankly, this isn’t much of a crusade. I get up to 50% warscore before I realise with horror that Arnaud has been toppled by his revolt, and a Catholic ruler now sits on the throne of Francia. Although the king has not declared yet, many of his vassals have. Could this be the end for Amalrich (Now known as “The Great”)? No, sod it. The Emperor of Francia declares the war and I White Peace out. There’s no way I’m wasting men on the pretentions to significance of a dying religion. It would be nice to get that sweet moral authority bonus, but I can’t justify expenditure in gold and lives of continuing the war.

I don’t know whether this is god’s judgment or not, but the Black Death has recurred in Carthage. First to die is Aldrich, the uninspiring heir. Queen Marie also pops her clogs from ill-health. Yet another reason not to be warring right now. Amalrich takes yet another wife – this time an attractive Greek named Melissa. The wives immediately begin to squabble, with allegations of attempted poisoning flying. Amalrich ignores it, merely putting Melissa in the dungeon for a few days before releasing her – but will soon regret that he did.