EU4 : Sneaky Savoy Part 1 – The Betrayal

Now that my CK2 campaign is finished, I thought I would try out EU4 to see if I’m able to get much out of it. I watched a few let’s plays and at first I believed the game to be impenetrable, but to be honest I think I’m getting the hang of most aspects of it now. I’ll be updating this blog periodically with my progress because I’m obsessed and hey, why not? I’m not sure if anyone still reads this blog anyway.

So, who to play? I’d considered playing a game as Russia or Japan, but there’s DLC for both of those countries I haven’t got yet. I figure I’ll do them when the prices come down. I’m on a bit of a Holy Roman Empire kick right now so I decided to pick Savoy, in honour of my dude Prince Eugene. Savoy is a pretty fascinating place, occupying lands that are technically French, Italian or German. I have a thing for countries that don’t exist anymore too. In real life, the Dukes of Savoy eventually became the kings of Piedmont-Sardinia and eventually Italy, so perhaps I’ll see if I can duplicate that success. Long-term, I also want to try colonising something in the new world. If I can get an Italian-speaking Florida or something similarly daft I’ll be happy.

Savoy start off with a fairly decent duke named Ludovico and a lacklustre heir. We also have one vassal state, the tiny one-province Monferrat. They seem pretty accepting of this state of affairs.

I start my diplomatic onslaught by royal marrying and forming alliances with both France and Austria. I know getting the French alliance is a big deal because sometimes France gets a mission to annex Savoy and there’s no way I want to be in a fight with France right now. Fortunately both alliances come through so I should be covered for any eventuality. I also royal marry Milan, in the hope of a future personal union.

For rivals I choose my neighbours, Burgundy and Provence, and the annoying Swiss. Expansion into Provence is hampered by the fact they have also allied France, and the Swiss, as part of the HRE are protected by the Emperor. So it looks like I’ll have to fabricate a claim on Burgundy, who utterly hate me. I try to pull a Bismarck and insult them into attacking me, but that doesn’t work. I end up using the fabricated claim.

My good friends the French join the war with me. Apparently, they also have some bones to pick with the Burgundians. My first battle in the game goes appallingly and my whole army is wiped out, despite having a numerical advantage. RNGesus did not smile on me that day. Fortunately, the French armies make short work of the Burgundian forces and as I hastily rebuild some units they siege down the three southern provinces of Burgundy. France also gives me an extra boost by offering subsidies to me, no strings attached. Excellent people, the French.

In the ensuing peace negotiations I demand Charloais and Franche-Comté for myself, and Bourgogne and Cambray for my friends the French. The war concludes and everyone goes away happy. Apart from the Burgundians, who are now limited to their lands up in the Netherlands.

Although my new acquisitions are utterly riddled with angry Burgundians (I spend some military points to crack down on rebels) I’m pretty pleased and start coring the provinces fast. I get another boost when the Duke of Milan dies and I inherit his title too. So now Savoy is in a Personal Union with Milan, meaning I essentially have control over Milan until the union ends. The immediate benefit of this is that my army is now effectively double the size, and my income is increasing too.

I get the opportunity to take the new army out for a spin when Austria calls me in to a war with Ravensburg. I get to grips with the sieging mechanic, but I honestly don’t get anything out of the war except an opinion boost with Austria. Hopefully this will come in handy.

I spend the next little while building up my forces and trying to figure out what to do next. Since Provence is still out of the question, I decide to have a poke at the Swiss to see what will come of it. What comes of it is a claim on Bern, which I push. Switzerland is alone, and even though my big allies are not interested in joining me, Milan is on side automatically, and Ferrara, who I also allied, join in too. Although the Swiss avoid doing battle with the main Savoyard army, instead tangling with a joint Milanese and Ferraran force in the Po valley, the odds are clearly in our favour.

A quick aside to admire the fort system in EU4. I love that you can’t just walk past forts, you have to take them in order to move forward. This is going to allow me to essentially block the Alpine passes in future, which is a sound defensive strategy.

Anyway, we beat the Swiss. In the peace talks, I get greedy and demand Zurich and Waldestadt as well as Bern. Since the Swiss are in no position to refuse, the deal goes through. Coring and repression of dissidents begins. And apparently, also my aggressive expansion goes through the roof, because a coalition forms against me.

My best buds ever, France, then call me into their war for Bordeaux against England. Since they helped me out so much last time, I march my whole army over to the war goal and siege it down. I’m helping raise the warscore bit by bit while the French and English forces battle in Normandy. Then, disaster strikes – I had forgotten to order my fleet back to port in the event of a war, and instead they are still sailing around the Mediterranean protecting trade. England’s Portuguese allies sail in, trounce my fleet and blockade Nice, my only coastal province. My trade income is utterly strangled.

Luckily, I have by now finished sieging Bordeaux and – since I have no boats left – decide to take the fight to the Portuguese. Maybe if I can knock them out of the war, the English will lose the advantage. There’s a large French force on the way to Portugal, obviously thinking the same thing, so we combine and ravage the Portuguese lands. The Portuguese army has no intention of fighting, though. They’re heading straight for Bordeaux. Bollocks to that, I say, and detach my forces hoping to beat them before they can undo all of my good work. I catch them as they are sieging Bordeaux, and a huge battle ensues. Since I have almost twice their numbers, I’m triumphant, but they gave a really good fight. I think I ended up with more casualties than they did. Portugal makes a separate peace with France and withdraws.

Unfortunately, Portugal has done its job too well. I had to take a loan to make up for my loss of income due to the blockade, and now I’m going into debt. Surely France can handle England on its own? I tentatively send out feelers and find that England is very keen to be rid of me. In fact, they would be willing to pay a considerable sum of gold for Savoy to leave the war. Well, economics can be a real bitch. I take the gold, peace out and return to the Alps to cackle about it. France is not super pleased with this turn of events but I figure I can make it up to them. I send a diplomat to smooth things over.

Little do I know I have just sown the seeds of my own destruction.

Using the cash from my peace settlement with England, I build a nice church in Bern and embrace the renaissance. Everything’s coming up Savoy.

Remember that coalition that formed against me? Well, led by Cologne, they decide to declare a punitive war on me. How many nations are in this coalition, you ask? All of the HRE. Yes, that’s right. Every single member – Except Austria.

Proud Austria! My beautiful relative the Emperor would never forsake me, and so he joins the war on my side. Still, against the might of the princes of Germany we are a poor match. Surely my friends the French will join us in this battle…?

Ah. Shit. Guess I shouldn’t have betrayed the French, then. Because now they have abandoned me to my fate. Double betrayalI I suppose I should have seen this coming.

My Austrian brothers and I dig in for a long battle. The coalition are fielding 100,000 troops while Austria has around 60,000, I have around 16,000, and Milan 12,000. This isn’t looking good. Part of me is tempted to hide up in the mountains and utilise my defensive bonuses, but with the numbers they are throwing at me I don’t think it will do any good. My Savoyard forces and Milanese allies skirt the south side of the Alps and make for Austria to try and link up with the Emperor’s army. The best I can hope for is to make some early gains and white peace out before they can take any territory. But the coalition forces are ravaging Savoy. I settle in to siege Ulm and the Palatinate, but it’s only a matter of time. Warscore is at 32% and my fort defences are cracking, so I reluctantly go to the bargaining table.

This is a problem.

The cost of peace is… demeaning. I’m forced to return all three of the Swiss provinces I grabbed. I’m just glad they let me keep the parts of Burgundy I stole. My prestige takes an incredible whack. That I managed to avoid fighting is the only reason my army is relatively unscathed. The rampaging Germans return north with their booty.

OK, so maybe this was my own fault for not understanding the aggressive expansion system, and for dicking over the French. But this insult against my Savoyard honour will not stand. I hereby swear under holy God that I will have my revenge upon the French for their cowardly abandonment. Cologne, you are also on my shitlist. Austria, we cool. Everyone else, though, you better watch out. Savoy has a long memory. And one day, she will have vengeance.

The Byzantine Caliphate Parts 10 - 15: Sic Semper Tyrannus

The ByzanPict Caliphate Part 10 – Face Off

The timing for a jihad against the Franks seems perfect, as they’re already in the middle of a holy war against the Abbasids. I declare the jihad, and quickly realise my mistake. Two whole armies of Franks are in the Holy Land already, and the troops I can raise there are nowhere near adequate to fend them off. As my British, Spanish, African and Italian troops arrive in Aquitaine and start sieging, the two French armies in the east break off their sieges and make for Constantinople. About 25K troops in total. There are also a few allies, mostly my vassals, but not nearly enough.

So to augment my retinues and demesne troops, I hire the Mamluks. I hope that this is enough to deal with the armies one at a time but I mistime the attacks and allow myself to be crushed between the two armies. The shattered Mamluks flee to Baghdad while the Franks continue west. They don’t siege Constantinople, though, and make for home.

If there was ever a bad time for a monarch to be sick, this is it. But Amalrich appears to have picked up the Great Pox. This is bad news all round – the last thing we need is Amalrich to die in the middle of a Jihad with an underage heir. The blame obviously falls at the feet of problem-wife Melissa, who you may remember Amalrich jailed for a few days for trying to poison Shola, wife number 2. For a long time Amalrich has suspected that Melissa was not exactly faithful, and their children together where not exactly his. Since Amalrich is the faithful kind, this more or less proves that she is responsible. Before Amalrich even has time to bring it up though, Melissa dies under suspicious circumstances. Did Shola get her revenge? Perhaps we’ll never know.

Amalrich throws himself upon the mercy of Baldewin the Eunuch, his court physician (fun fact, Amalrich has three eunuchs, all called Baldewin). I pick the risky treatment option, and Amalrich is cured. However Baldewin seems to have… amputated his face? I will miss the moustache, especially.

Now dressed like a medieval Darth Vader, Amalrich throws himself back into directing the war. In one engagement, the Byzantine troops lose 400 men, but manage to absolutely rout the Franks, killing almost 10,000 of them. Unfortunately that 14K blob from the Middle East is slowly trudging its way back across Europe towards my massed armies. But with the Mamluk mercenaries now rallying in Antioch, I’m able to ship them across the Mediterranean ahead of the French armies. Docking in the county of Toulouse, I set the Mamluks to smashing every small levy in sight. However the French doomstack is approaching, and another similarly-sized one appears on the horizon.

Amalrich III “The Great” the now-faceless first Kharijite Caliph chooses this moment to snuff it from no-face related depression. His heir, Anselm is only 17 years old, a fighty sort and very bold, but more than a little bit dim. Nevertheless the untested Emperor takes control of the mercenary forces and retreats them to Bordeaux. When the now combined French army attacks my sieges, Anselm attacks from one side and my other armies from the other. The Franks are easily bested and the jihad is won. Long live Anselm “The Glorious”!

Now all that remains is to distribute the titles to my now rabbling vassals, marry a Syrian princess, and stop practising Jainism in secret (which apparently he was doing) because I’m committed to Kharijitism now.

The ByzanPict Caliphate Part 11 – A Farewell to Arms

Now that the jihad is won, the damage to House Uerturio’s reputation done by the wastrel Gerlach is repaired. Decadence is at 0% and after making the Duke of Barcelona King of Aquitaine and parcelling out the remaining land to vassals, Anselm “The Glorious” can lay his plans for more astonishing conquests. OK, but why am I still only bopping 40K soldiers and 30 gold a month?

That’s because the only way that the Empire was able to keep operating during Amalrich’s reign, being the size it is, was because of his frankly insane stewardship skill that gave me a vassal limit of 25. Sitting on 29 for most of his reign didn’t really affect my levies or tax income too much. Unfortunately, Anselm is kind of a dolt with a vassal limit of only 19 due to his puny stewardship. I feel like he’s this family’s Jaime Lannister – a great knight but utterly abysmal at everything else. I marry him to a high stewardship courtier, but it honestly doesn’t do much good. Something has to give.

I’ve been trying to avoid granting independence to any of the stray duke-level vassals I have that I can’t transfer to any kings, but at this point the administrative drag they’re causing is impossible to deal with. I grant independence to the Duchies of Greater Moravia and Neutra. The last one is particularly hard because it’s a big one, roughly equivalent to the whole De Jure kingdom of Bohemia, rashly destroyed by Aniel *erm* “The Rash” back in the old days. Luckily it’s only independent for five seconds before my slimiest vassal, Tsog “The Betrayer” of Poland starts a holy war for it. So hopefully it will be back within the grasp of the Caliphate soon.

Unfortunately, we’ve got a bit of a consumption epidemic now too, so that necessitates battening down the hatches for a bit while it blows over. This causes the vassal limit to drop further and this in turn causes my vassals to faction against me again. Luckily, Anselm has a trump card in his pocket. His dear old mum Adila, second wife of Amalrich III, has experienced something of a late-life career change from trophy wife to cold-blooded murder machine. Being a genius intricate webweaver, she has quite the intrigue score, and as a loyalist was a natural choice for spymaster. In short order she completely decimates the factions against me by assassinating the Queen of Bavaria, the King of Serbia and the Duchess of Upper Burgundy. So I guess the message is clear – if you have a problem vassal, send in Adila the Killa. She’ll take care of it.

Baldarich the Eunuch has some suggestions about securing the tunnels under the castle. Unfortunately, there seems to be some crazy woman down there called Gerhild “The Fox”. Anselm lets her stay in the castle because she seems harmless and he’s a nice sort of bloke. Obviously, this backfires horribly when it turns out that she’s some kind of evil genius playing a Keyser Soze-level con on me. She lets a bunch of murderous peasants into the castle to enact a diabolical assassination plan on Anselm. Being a skilled knight, he’s able to fight them off, but loses a hand in the process. At this point I can’t help but wonder if that Jaime Lannister parallel was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Miscellaneous notes:

• Tsog “The Betrayer” is an interesting guy. He’s been blinded at some point, though I’m not sure who by. The Greeks, presumably. He earned the “Betrayer” nickname by having his cheating wife executed.
• Dear Allah, why did none of you tell me the realm laws menu has a scroll down on it? All this time I’ve been looking for Imperial Administration and Status of Women and here they are! Think of all the kickass queens I could have been playing! Also, I could have had this vassal limit problem sorted decades ago if I’d known where it was.
• My delight at Adila assassinating the annoying Duchess of Upper Burgundy was somewhat spoiled by the fact that her lands were immediately inherited by the Duke of Greater Moravia, who I’d just made independent. Next time I will have to be more careful.
• Sorry if that Jaime Lannister comment was a spoiler.

The ByzanPict Caliphate Part 12 – A Farewell to… Leg?

Anselm “the Glorious” is working hard at getting his house in order. Realising late in the game I would need Imperial Administration in order to manage my absurd number of vassals and the equally absurd number of rebellions they each produce, I managed to get a crown law change roughly every 10 years since the beginning of Amalrich III’s reign. At this point, I have late feudal administration and I only need to enact a religious revocation law and then imperial administration. So I have 20 more years of unreliable taxation and levies, but I guess that’s my own fault. It’s about 1411 right now so I’m not going to get to enjoy imperial administration for long.

Luckily, I go through periods where my levy size is tolerable – not quite as high as it should be, but big enough for me to field some pretty massive armies. Since the truce with Francia has not yet worn off, I’m looking elsewhere for a nice conquest. How about Egypt? The invasion CB is cool but it can be limiting in late game when there are lots of states that don’t properly adhere to their De Jure territory. I had intended to do an Alexander and claim Persia, but now its split between the Abbassids and the Sinda Empire, based in Afghanistan and the Punjab. Egypt, on the other hand, is a big De Jure blob that I can take in a oner.

First, though, there’s another Catholic uprising to deal with. I think this might be the 11^th or so. Anselm sighs and saddles his horse, riding off to combat the polytheist scum. However the infidels get lucky, and Anselm is wounded in the fighting, losing a leg. Despite having only one arm and one leg, he still has a 21 martial skill and ironically remains my best general.

When Anselm has recovered, I launch the Egyptian invasion. It goes very well despite my dismembered commander. My tactic in situations like this is to go for what won me the Byzantine Empire in the first place – four to five large army detachments each sieging counties that are adjacent to each other. If one army is attacked, it can then be quickly reinforced. However most of the time it is possible to intimidate away enemy armies that come close to you simply by making a move to intercept them early. I siege down the Nile delta and without too much effort bring what was once the Roman Emperor’s personal demesne back into the Empire. Weirdly, along with it I get a few provinces over near the Tibetan plateau. I have no idea what to do with them. 

There are a couple of deaths in the family as first Amalrich’s third wife Shola (the poisoner) and then his second wife Adila (the Killa, spymaster extraordinaire) pass away. Very sad. Also, Anselm is trying to get to grips with having only one leg. He humiliates himself at a ball trying to dance with a courtier he has a crush on. No wonder he’s depressed. He needs some conquering to cheer him up.

This is a slight abuse of the invasion CB, but I figure why the hell not and invade West Francia? Really, they’re the only threat to me left in western Europe. My first attempt at this is a complete failure as I did not heed my own advice about the coordinated sieges and instead ran my 50K levy through the Alps in January chasing a French army. I savescummed and started again. Once again, though, I’m running into the problem of defensive pacts. This, combined with the enormous size of my realm, is causing trouble for me in wars. For example, as I’m sieging down land in France, their allies the Mongol Empire are sieging my undefended lands in the Crimea, just as the Sinda are sieging FUCKING SAMARKAND and the Pecheneg Company are hiding down in Ethiopia somewhere sieging territory. It’s very hard to deal with threats on multiple fronts at once, especially when you’re counting on superior numbers to get you through some hard sieges. So I split off a force of 14K or so to take out the Pechenegs, which helps a bit. But it’s the sieges in France that actually bring up the warscore. Weirdly I only get it to about 38% before it jumps to 100%. I think I must have passed some arbitrary amount of territory taken to get that high. I come to terms with the Emperor of Francia. 

I make the Duke of Granada the King of West Francia, then divvie out all the new lands to my vassals. I keep Paris for myself. Now we wait and see if we can get another chunk of Francia before the end of the game. Also pretty sure I’m going to have to fight those Northern Indians at some point. I can see them looking greedily at Samarkand.

But before I can make a decision on this latest move, Anselm receives another missive from the Pope.

Who?

The Pope. Remember? The guy who calls all the crusades.

Oh yeah, that guy. What does he want? Uh huh. Right. Another crusade for Italy. *sigh*
 

The ByzanPict Caliphate Part 13: Always Be Popin’

I’m not going to bother raising all my troops this time because frankly interest in this crusade is limited. Only the four Christian holy orders are attacking my lands, and Anselm takes particular joy in smashing his half-brother Hartwig’s Knights Hospitaller force, although he escapes unharmed. It really doesn’t take very long for me to get the warscore up high enough to force a white peace. Again, I could win, but it would take absolutely ages and I’d rather spend the next few years up to 1453 doing something constructive.

While this is happening, I begin to have a problem with decadence again. The King of Ireland (distant cousin) has produced a prodigious number of sons and he has apparently allowed them to become shiftless layabouts preoccupied with carnal sins and alcohol. Of course that cannot be allowed. The first three sons agree to straighten up, but the fourth refuses and I imprison him. The King of Ireland starts to actively plot against me, so I have him whacked. Easy enough considering he’s a disfigured monster with a huge tyranny penalty against him. Nobody misses him.

The King of West Francia has now declared himself King of France so amusingly we now have a situation where the King of France and the Emperor of Francia are two different people. Francia is certainly a weak and hobbled state, in a constant state of revolt. I now possess all of the west of the country except Brittany. I have also taken away quite a lot of their lands in Andalusia. I still have a truce with Francia proper so I will wait a little while before declaring for Austrasia or Germany.

Fortunately, I’m able to take advantage of a French revolt to finally take about half of the remaining Frankish provinces in Andalusia. Hispania is looking redder every day. While I’m doing this, the Sunni Caliph surprises me by declaring a jihad for the remaining French provinces of Andalusia, which is really hardly anything at all. I immediately forget about this since it doesn’t involve me at all.

I’m mulling over my next moves – attacking the Kilabids who possess Persia and most of the Arabian peninsula is a logical next step, but they are good kharijites like me so maybe I’ll let them be. This is a less attractive idea to me than it used to be now, because my secret desire is to push across Afghanistan and into Northern India a la Alexander the Great. The Sinda Empire appears to be crumbling now – its western flank has converted to Shia Islam (i.e. the wrong Islam) and broken away from its power centre in the Punjab. So this means I have to plow through an extra Muslim state in order to get an Invasion CB on Sinda. Realistically, time is getting short now.

My ruminations are cut short however by another Catholic revolt, this time in Bohemia. The first round is easily put down by my retinues, but another mob rises up in western France led by a charismatic peasant leader called Pelagios. Anselm saddles his horse and at the head of his knight retinue and a moderately-sized levy from Constantinople and the surrounding area, goes forth to do battle. Unfortunately, an enormous liberation revolt is called at exactly the same time. The two armies are technically allied with one another, so this makes the proposition of attacking them slightly more dangerous. I wait a little to gather more levies (being over the vassal limit is still hampering my ability to levy troops) then send Anselm in to attack.

Anselm crushes the liberation army first. The peasants are no match for my highly trained knights and they are swiftly despatched and their leader executed. The Caliph then hops into the next province to do battle with the remaining Catholics. Brave Anselm leads in person, of course, but in the course of the action he receives a crushing blow to the face which leaves him horrifically disfigured. In addition to his one hand and one leg. Anselm is understandably vexed. Pelagios, the leader of the revolt is in his dungeon, so in a rage he mutilates Pelagios as well, and keeps the Catholic leader at his court as an example to others who might consider rebellion. Now both of them sport matching masks. (In retrospect, I wish I'd thought to make him court jester)

Now Anselm is extra depressed. If the ladies didn’t love him when he was only one-armed and one-legged, then now they definitely aren’t interested. Anselm’s first wife died of natural causes some time ago, leaving his two secondary wives Hypatia and Aikaterine his only spouses. Unfortunately, his appearance utterly revolts them now, so Anselm invests in a golden mask which somehow improves his sex appeal. Unfortunately, at this point Hypatia is rumbled trying to poison his son Berthold, so he has her executed in a blind fury.

Luckily, while all this has been going on, the clock has ticked away sufficiently from my last law change to allow me to finally get Imperial Administration. All of the administrative problems the Caliphate has had for a century disappear instantly. I’m reaping more than 200 gold per month. My levies are 240K. Finally, the Caliphate’s power is actually commensurate to its size. 

To celebrate, I decide to launch an invasion of Burgundy. The ten-year truce with the Emperor Alphonse “The Dragon” (who is both kind and a cannibal) is over, so there’s nothing to stop me. The war is actually kind of uneventful. I am simply able to move as many troops as I can to Burgundy and occupy virtually every province they have. I never actually go into deficit to manage this. In one battle I actually get to 40% warscore. Bear in mind that there is still a defensive pact against me that includes basically every country, empire and tiny independent duchy in the world. None of them can rival the might of the Caliphate! Victory and Salvation!

At this point, France is getting embarrassingly small. Also, looking at the map, my font size is massive. I make a random cousin King of Burgundy and dish out the rest of the provinces to vassals who are unhappy with the new administration system absolutely reaming them for taxes. What will be next? Take on the Kilabids? Subjugate Abyssinia? Conquer the Abbasids? Nothing is impossible anymore.

Miscellaneous observations:

•  Grandmaster Hartwig escaped punishment for his crimes by dying of cancer. Shame. Wanted to see some brother-on-brother violence. Uerturiobowl denied.
• Oh, remember that jihad for Andalusia? Well, while I was drubbing France, the Abbasids were quietly stealing those lands from behind both of our backs. My new neighbours are green instead of blue. They’re still the wrong religion, but hey, at least they’re Muslim.

The ByzanPict Caliphate Part 14 – A Fish out of Water

Caliph Anselm is no slouch, so immediately after seizing Burgundy from the Franks, he ships his retinues back to the Middle East for an invasion of Persia. Holding Persia currently are the Sunni Kilabid family, from which Anselm’s mum Adila the Killa hailed. This doesn’t stop him bulldozing his relatives' family holdings and annexing his lands into the Empire. The Caliphate now extends as far east as Afghanistan, although I think on reflection I’m unlikely to get any further. The Sinda Empire is breaking apart even more now, with the Maharajah having converted to Shia Islam. On the off chance he gets his shit together, I betroth one of Anselm’s daughters to him. I figure if he wins his revolts, he’ll be a powerful ally, and if he loses he’ll be dead and I won’t have to honour the betrothal.

Just across the Red Sea from my rich Egyptian lands, the Abbasids who hold much of the Arabian Peninsula still are having trouble. They’ve got a big revolt on their hands, mostly centred around those Andalusian lands they took from the Franks and in the Duchy of Medina. Now, I don’t see any reason why the inferior Sunni Caliph should have two of Islam’s holy sites, so off we go to claim them. Since I’m declaring on a revolt, they aren’t part of the defensive pact against me so it’s only a matter of time before I’ve got all of the Andalusian territory sieged down and am assaulting Mecca itself. The only blot on the event is that I accidentally marched an army through the desert where attrition made them easy pickings for the better-prepared Bedouins. 

Unfortunately, the cough that Caliph Anselm has had for a while developed into full-blown consumption, so it’s off to the sawbones he goes. This time, the treatment is so successful that it actually makes him more powerful in his battles against the Abbassids. I then get the notification Anselm has survived consumption, but is now completely riddled with dysentery. I get the doctor on it again, and as Anselm goes through the “drink the water with the fish in it” treatment again, he only goes and CHOKES TO DEATH on one of the fish.

At this point, you have to laugh. Anselm had fought personally in hundreds of battles, lived through  wounds that would kill lesser men, survived assassination attempts, lost a leg, a hand, and even his face, and still he went on ticking. Anselm “The Glorious” - killed by a fish administered by an incompetent quack.

Naturally, Caliph Amalrich II (Amalrich IV if we’re going by the Kaiser title) makes his first move to fire the surgeon. Amalrich has the impressive nickname “The Magnificent” from technically conquering Mecca and Medina, even though Anselm did the lion’s share of the work. Me, I’m not convinced. Amalrich is cripplingly shy, has no diplomacy points, and is a mediocre steward and warrior. To top it off, he seems to have inherited the old Uerturio clubfoot that plagued Uuen “The Black”. Instantly, I have a number of factions on my hands, which I spend almost 10k gold to talk down.

I find that almost always when you get a lot of factions, the only thing that will quiet them is military victory. If that’s also combined with land grants, then that’s a bonus. The death of Anselm has voided my truce with the Franks, so in order to shore up his legitimacy, Amalrich decides to take Germany. Remember, that this branch of Uerturios are culturally German.

Although the Franks put up a spirited defense in their Bavarian provinces, the Byzantine numbers make it largely a waiting game. I quickly siege down Koln and give the Germans a German ruler in the form of my half-brother Berthold. Even if Bertie is a visible minority (mother was a Bedouin) there’s no opinion penalty for that. Hopefully this gift will mend the schism between Bertie and myself. They have not got on very well since Amalrich's mum tried to poison him and dad had her executed. Luckily, this actually works and the brothers are on far better terms now.

Amalrich looks into assassinating Alphonse “The Dragon” but it doesn’t look like this will happen. There's not a spymaster around of the calibre of his granny, Adila the Killa. Nevertheless he’s getting on in years to there’s a chance he might die and void the truce again. If this happens, Austrasia will be mine.

Some extra conquering is actually happening without my input. Ulf, King of Sweden took over Denmark in a holy war, wiping that persistent item off my to-do list. The King of Antioch is making a very good attempt to grab Francia’s Bavarian lands from them, too. I hope he succeeds.

The ByzanPict Caliphate Part 15 – The End of the Uerturios

Brother Bertie is dead. My beloved younger brother Berthold, King of the Germans, has perished in a duel against a courtier named Anthemios. Now I must dedicate the last ten years of game time to enacting my revenge on the douche. I begin to spy on him, hopefully I’ll get the chance to abduct him.

First though, I push a claim on Abyssina which turns out actually to be a DUCHY in Abyssina and not the whole thing. Oops. I have to go back and finish the job when they have a revolt a few months later.

I have another adventurer waiting to make a claim, but I’m able to bribe his wife and a number of his courtiers and soon he’s careening off a cliff in a sabotaged carriage.

Since I have less than 10 years of game time left, I need to figure out my last steps. Alphonse is still alive so it looks like the truce with France will hold for now, I suppose I could break it, but the Abbasid blobs in Andalusia annoy me more right now. I make a move to invade.

I’m happily sieging Abbasid holdings in Cordoba when I get a notification that gives me pause. The decadence meter is rising.

Crusader Kings II is a game of small decisions. Seemingly insignificant choices can have consequences that reach down through the centuries to kick you in the ass. Sometimes everything you’ve built over the years can come crashing down all because of one simple decision. And it can come down fast. Usually, it’s your own fault. Sometimes, though, just sometimes, there’s someone else to blame.

Like this motherfucker right here:

You see, the Irish are really bad at being Muslim. Just astonishingly, earth-shatteringly bad. It’s the drink, I reckon. The Irish can’t resist its siren song. This is why Irish Uerturio princes seem to turn decadent at a ridiculous rate. The Irish Uerturios are also remarkably fecund, producing an average of four sons per crop, most of whom inevitably end up in my dungeon.

My go to method for dealing with decadence is this: ask them to straighten up and ditch the orgies or whatever, and if they refuse jail them for life. This is why if you go into my dungeon, you’ll find three of the sons of Breth, two sons of King Mubashir of France, a son of Fadl “The Great” of Andalusia. Some of them have been there for decades. Amalrich II (but really IV) was even forced to add his own son, Anselm, to their number. Decadence is too big a risk.

So it appears that Breth wishes to join his sons in the clink. Strange, since he’s an old man, and generally they don’t go decadent. I also, I heard that kings never went decadent, but I guess this proves otherwise. I ask him to straighten up, and he refuses. Here’s where the trouble really starts: I try to imprison him, and he raises his flag in rebellion. So now I’m in a race against time to defeat his rebellion and chop his head off before my decadence maxes out and I have real problems. 

Unfortunately, Ireland has gotten massive, given I’ve been handing out land every time I conquer anything to keep the vassals happy. Ireland’s got Mauretania and a huge chunk of Abyssina. Nevertheless I ship my army to Ireland and attempt to storm the capital. But… I’m too late.

Quick break in the story to gripe about the game mechanics. There was literally nothing I could do to stop this arbitrary event from occurring. Maybe if my character had higher intrigue I could have had Breth assassinated or kidnapped before the decadence gain got too high. Decadence just rises so quickly. In under a year, it’s over 80%.

The Decadence Revolt begins. It raises 240,000 troops, IN NORWAY. Why Norway? Are there even 240K people living in Norway? With the strain on levies and fleets from my decadence, I have no idea how I’m going to get my armies up there. The revolt starts sieging down provinces. And they go fast. So fast. The holdings in Scandinavia are puny at the best of times, but with 240K stack sitting on top of them, occupation is nearly instantaneous.

There is a coughing death rattle, as Amalrich II “The Magnificent” dies a natural death, presumably from sheer pique at the game’s audacity. So who’s my heir again? Oh, shit…

Caliph Poppo is five years old and rather more concerned with playing with his toys than with the gigantic army coming to steal his birthright. His regent is Fadl of Andalusia, who hated his father for imprisoning his son. So this is off to a good start.

Poppo doesn’t give a shit about getting revenge on Anthemius so he instead tries to kill the King of Ireland. He fails, but Breth dies of natural causes leaving another five-year-old in charge. I white peace the war and attempt to marshal my remaining troops to take on the rebels. I do not have nearly enough troops.

Worrying signs abound. For the first time ever, someone refuses a royal marriage offer from me. Uerturio princesses used to be a sign that you’d made it. Now, everyone just wants to wait and see how the chips fall. Probably not in my favour. 

Eventually, I have 170K troops, the most I could muster, amassed in Denmark. The warscore is currently -99%. My troops cross into Norway for one last apocalyptic battle…

… and the game ends. Kind of anticlimactic.

I mean, we all know how this one shakes out, but still. If I’d had just a few more months I could have seen my beautiful armies pounded into the Scandinavian permafrost, and poor Poppo smothered by his self-serving courtiers. Or I could choose to believe that Poppo’s generals pulled some kind of Austerlitz-level victory out of their hats. Or I could just choose to leave it at that – the Caliphate stretching from the Atlantic to the Caspian Sea. No need to dwell on what happens to tiny Poppo!

It’s been a wild ride that has taken almost a year in real time. I went from a Pictish tribal chief, to King of the Picts, to the Eastern Roman Emperor, to the German Caliph. I defended Rome from the Mongols, systematically dismantled France and sent a humiliated Pope into exile. I took Jerusalem and conquered Egypt. And now, it is over. 

One day I likely will load this into Europa Universalis IV, although I can’t imagine it’ll be that much fun. Apparently EUIV becomes quite boring when you have an Empire this huge. Although it might be quite fun to try and convert the Americas to Islam, if I can defeat my rebels.

There’s still much I want to do with CK2. I’ve never played as nomads, or in India (I’ll hold off doing those until I’ve bought Jade Dragon) or Norse. I’ll definitely return to the medieval period. For now, though, I’m enjoying a change of pace, starting an EUIV campaign as the Duchy of Savoy.I expect I'll be boring you with news of that before long.